Today I feel frustrated.
So I kind of feel like rambling...
I want control things, and I can't. I want to justify my really bad reactions to life's circumstances, but I can't do that either...
It's April, and I want the sunshine so we can get out of the house.
We have two weeks (10 business days) left on our loan lock for "our" home's deed to be recorded, before our interest rate expires (the interest rate is already higher today, than where we locked it at two months ago). If it's taken three months to record a deed, why should it get done in ten days?
Some things just really fry me. Not just our house situation, but other recurring circumstances in life. And not just fry me a little bit, but more like make-me-want-to-freak-out-and-punch-something-and-then-go-to-sleep-for-ten-years-so-I-don't-have-to-deal-with-it-anymore kind of fry me.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit and His divine nature (and the fact that He doesn't want me to react like I described above for the sake of myself and others), I've been realizing something these last couple of weeks... first of all, some feelings may be justified, but if the reactions that come from them aren't loving, then they ultimately boil down to my own selfishness.
I'm frustrated about the weather because I want to get out of the house more often, I'm frustrated about the house because I want to buy a house and live in it (and have more space, and not have stairs, and have my washer and dryer back, and let Mattéa sleep in her own room... okay you get the point). I'm frustrated about not being able to control other events in life because I want them to turn out a certain way. I think this is a theme in my perfectionist, freakishly control-freakish mind... when things don't go my way, I want to do everything in my power to make it right, fair, and just (whatever that may look like in my book, and at the cost of choosing loving reactions).
And the interesting thing is, most of the things that I want are not unreasonable. In fact, most the of the things I want are great things! But my reactions to not getting them in my way and in my timing is the issue...
One of my main problems in life, is that I tend to forget that I do anything wrong. I know, I know... it's horrible to have a proud heart. I've recently become aware of the fact that I always have an excuse for the things I do wrong (including my frustrated, hateful reactions and thoughts), because they are always justified... or so I would like to think.
Today in church, Pastor Mark was talking about suffering and how in the midst of it, sometimes we can use our suffering as a way to justify sin. That kind of hit home for me. I realized that my reactions to things... my frustration, my anger, my unforgiving heart, my hateful thoughts... are my responsibility, no one else's. Even if someone or something else created an environment for a reaction, I still have to own up to how I deal with it. I am responsible. Ouch. That stung a little.
So with all of that said, I know I need to chill out a little bit today. No matter what my circumstances, no matter how much it keeps raining, and no matter what events may happen that frustrate me, I still want to grasp the hope, love, joy, and peace that my Father is holding out for me. I still want to be gracious and forgiving in the midst of hurt. When my burden is heavy, His is light. And for that, I will praise Him!
And I will think about how fun it was to blow bubbles with my babies the other day...
Ahhh... that's better :)
2 comments:
Life has it's up's and down's but through it all we just know that we have HOPE in GOD to help us get through this world of not knowing. Having two Blessings as you do makes life somehow better to deal with. Even through the hard times with them they turn around and do something so cute we forget our problems! Maybe God is telling you both that it is time to move forward and let go of this house and he will bring you something better! It is in his timing anyways. Not ours.
I love you,
Shelli.....
Wow. The bit about using our suffering as a justification for our sin really hit home. Sure, it probably would for everyone, but if you could've known that literally MINUTES before I read this, I had a conversation in which that was the main theme! I've been using the fact that I'm suffering, that I'm sacrificing, and that I am working toward change in some areas of my life as an excuse for not doing the more I should be doing. I've been so resistant because I keep thinking, but I'm already sacrificing in all of these ways...unfortunately that doesn't negate the fact that there are so many other areas that need it. Thanks for putting this out there, Shaun :)
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